


The More We Move Ahead The More We're Stuck In Rewind

by QuokkaFoxtrot



Series: Dead Letter Chorus [6]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hermann is a sap, Insecurity, M/M, Parental Issues, Science dorks in love, but not a depressive episode, mention of depression, non-canonical past minor character death, regular sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 08:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuokkaFoxtrot/pseuds/QuokkaFoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann tries to comfort Newt and hits a sore spot he didn't know existed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The More We Move Ahead The More We're Stuck In Rewind

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few weeks after [Come Home With Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1121988) but doesn't follow it directly.
> 
> This is partially unbeta-ed because the subject is sadmaking for my regular beta. She's read a lot of it and didn't find anything glaringly obvious. There are about 800~ words that have only been seen by my eyes. So, sorry if this is less coherent than usual.
> 
> Long-ass title from Modest Mouse's 'Ocean Breathes Salty' off ' _Good News For People Who Love Bad News_. (Because I just generally suck at titling.)
> 
> Posting and Chronological orders for Dead Letter Chorus available in the notes [here](http://archiveofourown.org/series/66677).

Hermann unlocks the door and makes his way up the stairs, throwing his keys in the bowl as he reaches the top and setting his bag down by the hallstand. The lights are on and there's a timer ticking away above the oven, a savoury smell emanating throughout the apartment, but Newt is nowhere in sight.

"Newton?" Hermann calls as he makes his way down the hall, glancing briefly into the office in spite of the fact that the lights are off before stopping outside the door to the bedroom.

"In here." He hears Newt's voice through the door and swings it open to see Newt lying on the bed with his back to the door.

"Dinner smells good," Hermann says as he leans against the doorframe.

"Shepherd's pie," Newt says without looking around and Hermann smiles faintly at the memory of their first date. He waits for Newt to make a move to get up and frowns when he doesn't.

"Are you okay?" He asks, walking over and sitting on the bed, hand smoothing across the bedspread towards Newt but not touching.

"Just feeling a little... meh." Newt says with a shrug.

"Sick or otherwise?" Hermann asks as he toes his shoes off and shifts himself across the bed to lay behind Newt, resting a hand on his hip.

"Otherwise, I guess," Newt says and, even at this angle, Hermann can see his lips twist a little bitterly. "Don't worry."

"That's like asking the sun to not come up," Hermann says as he rests on his elbow, pressing his chest against Newt's back and sliding his arm around Newt's middle to hug him. "Do you want to talk about it?" He presses his lips to Newt's shoulder as Newt takes his hand and hugs it to his chest.

"Um, kind of? But we don't have to. It's okay." Newt sighs and his grip loosens around Hermann's hand and Hermann doesn't like the resignation in his voice.

"What is it?" Hermann rests his chin on Newt's upper arm as he twists his hand so he can thread his fingers together with Newt's and squeeze.

"It's, uh. It's... My dad's been- I... Shit. It's been nearly ten years and I still can't- It still hurts."

Hermann's arm tightens around Newt as he presses forward to wrap around him in what he hoped was a comforting manner. "I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to." He presses a kiss to Newt's shoulder and feels Newt's hand tighten around his.

"I know you didn't have a great relationship with your dad. I just, I don't want you to feel bad." Newt shrugs, jostling Hermann's head.

"Newton, I am glad that your experience did not mimic my own. I'm glad you got to have a good relationship with your father," he says once he can reclaim his place on Newt's shoulder. "Tell me about him?"

Newt turns his head to look at Hermann and, seeing the earnest curiosity in his eyes, nods once and lowers it back to the pillow. "He was-... He was my best friend. He gave up so much for me... When I started testing off the charts and skipping grades and the universities started knocking, he let me pick which one I wanted to go to. Didn't even bat an eye, just up and moved us over here. I know it wasn't easy- I mean, _now_ I know it wasn't easy. They paid for a lot but he still worked two jobs, just to make sure we wouldn't be dependent on them." He sighs and is silent for a moment. "He'd get home and he'd be tired, but he always made time to sit with me after supper while I worked. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a clue what I was talking about half the time. He'd just sit there and listen and look so goddamn proud." Newt sighs, fingers brushing the back of Hermann's hand.

"He sounds like a good man." Hermann says and he feels like he should be jealous but he's just relieved that Newt got to have that in his life.

"He was. Even after... after the diagnosis. He had Uncle Illia come and help wrangle me when I was up, and when I was down... He'd get home and come lie on my bed beside me and... He'd pick me up, arrange me until I was lying over his chest and hug me while he told me about his day. Sometimes he'd fall asleep like that. Sometimes he'd tuck me in and take himself to bed. I hated it then, but now... I'd give anything for him to do it again... He was still doing it even when I was nineteen... twenty - before I moved out. I was supposed to be a man by then, but there I was... still daddy's little boy."

Hermann squeezes Newt's hand and remains silent, waiting for him to continue. 

"He wasn't a saint, or anything. I know this sounds like a lot of hero worship... When mom came to visit, they'd fight. Mostly about me. Sort of... I didn't realize how much he was hurting; he loved her and she-... she turned him down. It took me even longer to realize that she thought running away was the only way she could protect us... from her. Then-" He pauses and laughs a little bitterly. "Then... she got me from the inside, and he had to pick up the pieces. I think... I think he took all the love he felt for her, and poured it into me. And... look at how I paid him back." 

"It sounds like he loved you very much. I think you would have made him proud." Hermann leans away as Newt rolls onto his back to look up at Hermann, lips twisting unhappily. "I would have liked to meet him. I would have thanked him."

"I don't know that there's much to be thankful for." Newt looks away, focussing on his hand wrapped in Hermann's laying on his stomach.

"I would thank him for being an exceptional man..." Hermann begins, disentangling his hand and raising it to tilt Newt's chin up. "I know he was because he raised an exceptional son."

"I didn't really turn out all that great. I mean-" 

"You did." Hermann cuts him off and leans down to press a light, chaste kiss to Newt's lips. "You are intelligent, and engaging, and handsome, and determined. He would have been so proud of you."

"Oh." Newt's hands still and he looks at Hermann tentatively. "You're not-... Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Of course not. Why would you think that? I tell you all the time." Hermann stares down at Newt quizzically.

"No- not the-... You never said..." Newt shrugs, eyes downcast. "I thought you were here because you like my brain and you just, sort of, put up with the rest... I know I'm not really a catch by any stretch of the imagination."

"What? No. Surely I've told you? I had to have..."

Newt shrugs. "You've said I'm distracting and you like my ink and watching me come, but, yeah. You've never said you like, uh, that you think-... that you find the _package_ appealing." He raises a hand and taps his ear. "Perfect recall."

"I'm so sorry, Newton." Hermann says and kisses him tenderly. "I thought you knew... I thought you couldn't miss it... It's almost embarrassing how attractive I find you. Some days it can be a struggle just to look away. You're riveting." He reaches up and strokes a finger down Newt's cheek, smiling gently as Newt looks at him. "There's a folder on my computer labelled 'Proofs 2007'. Every picture you've ever sent me is in it. On the days when the numbers aren't adding up and nothing feels like it's working, I open the folder and look at you and remember your face when I have a breakthrough and show you. You inspire me."

"Oh... I didn't kn- Wait, so I'm- You... you hide them away... lIke a dirty little secret," Newt says unhappily and Hermann has to kiss that expression off his face immediately.

"No," Hermann says and kisses him again. "Like looking at you makes me giddy like some kind of lovesick teenager. Just seeing your name is enough..." Hermann looks away and blushes, embarrassed. "I've developed somewhat of a... reputation this last semester for being, shall we say, 'dedicated' to my work." Newt's brow furrows in confusion and Hermann clears his throat. "Apparently it can be unsettling when the professor smiles like a fool through a simple physics lecture."

Newt's blushing and Hermann can tell he's trying not to look pleased so he leans down to brush his nose against Newt's. "Some days I open the folder just because a few hours is too long to wait to see you again." 

"You really feel that way?" Newt asks and Hermann can't ever remember him seeming shy but he does now and Hermann finds it at once endearing and disconcerting.

"I do." He kisses him again softly and pulls back, continuing to stroke his cheek with his thumb. "The very first day I came into Kaiju Blue, back before I knew who you were and what you meant to me, I thought it. I chose that booth because, even if the work didn't go well, at least I could enjoy the view."

"Even then?" Newt asks, raising a cynical eyebrow.

"Even then. You were confident and exuberant and attractive and I couldn't imagine someone like you would ever look twice at me. You were out of my league. Still are," Hermann says and he's not fishing; he's genuinely amazed that Newt stays with him.

"No, I'm not," Newt says, squeezing Hermann's hand. "When you're not putting up a grouchy front and you think no one's looking and you get all caught up in your work: you look like a statue. You’re all clean lines and elegant angles; it's like I'm dating a work of art." He strokes his thumb over Hermann's hand and looks up at him a little guilty. "This probably makes me a bad person, but... I'm kind of glad you grump at pretty much everyone who comes near you. Makes me less worried that someone's going to realize how goddamn gorgeous you are and steal you away from me."

"Newton," Hermann says with a shake of his head. "If that were ever to occur it would be a very _literal_ definition of the phrase and I'd want you to call the police to report a kidnapping." Newt laughs and Hermann feels his heart lift at the sight of him happy again. "I have eyes only for you."

Newt removes his hand from Hermann's and reaches up to draw him into a slow, soft kiss; one hand tangling in Hermann's hair, the other reaching around to splay across his back and squeeze him tightly. It ends naturally and they lay there, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other in.

"Are you feeling any better?" Hermann asks quietly watching as Newt's eyes drift open.

"Sort of?" He says and shrugs a little. "I still miss him. I don't think that's going to stop any time soon. But I'm also kind of happy... and kind of pathetic. It's weird."

"You're not pathetic, Newton. Not in the slightest."

"I am a little, yeah. I mean, whether or not you like my face is kind of a stupid thing to get worked up about." 

"No, it isn't." Hermann reaches up to run a hand through Newt's hair, smoothing it down and marvelling at the way it springs back up. "You tell me that you find me appealing regularly - to the point where I find myself flustered by your regard even though I should be getting used to it by now - I don't think I ever quite will. I am appalled at myself for not reciprocating when it would have been so easy to tell you that you're handsome." He presses a kiss to Newt's lips. "And attractive." Another one. "And gorgeous." Another. "And sexy." He lingers on the last kiss, letting his lips slide against Newt's and drawing in his lower lip before reluctantly pulling away. "I found an embarrassment of riches in you, Newton. I wish I'd let you know sooner."

Newt looks up at him with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth and a twinkle in his eye. "Sap," he says affectionately, and squeezes his arm around Hermann's middle. "Love you for it."

"I love you, too. For everything." Hermann squeezes back and glances up at the clock on the bedside table. "Did you need to go check dinner?"

"No, There's a timer on." Newt says and rolls onto his side facing Hermann, holding him close and burying his face in Hermann's shoulder. "Just... hold me?"

"I can do that." Hermann presses a soft kiss to the crown of Newt's head and works an arm under Newt's torso to hug him close. "I will always do that."


End file.
